


Despair, Hope, Rebirth

by thats_pantastic



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel Needs Dean Winchester, Castiel Needs a Hug (Supernatural), Character Study, Destiel Becoming Canon On 5 November 2020 (Supernatural), Destiel is canon, Emotional Hurt, Emotionally Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Everyone Is Gay, Gen, Help, I Don't Even Know, I Tried, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I can't even, It's midnight, Series Finale, So much angst, Spoilers, Supernatural (TV) Spoilers, Temporary Character Death, Triggers, Why Did I Write This?, actually, despair literally, emotionally hurt everyone, finale rewrite, what series finale
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:15:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28370748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thats_pantastic/pseuds/thats_pantastic
Summary: A Castiel study in s15e18 til s15e20.Constains spoilers!!!warning: I wrote this while listening to sad love songs, so it is emotional and angsty. I might add one more chapter, that's why it's not compete!here's a peek:You see, the thing is that angels don’t love.Not the way humans do, anyway.But falling in love with Dean Winchester was so damn easy.And so he finally let himself be happy.
Relationships: Castiel & Jack Kline, Castiel & Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Crowley & Rowena MacLeod, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Michael/Adam Milligan
Kudos: 4





	1. to love

You see, the thing is that angels don’t love.  
Not the way humans do, anyway. It’s not in their nature.  
They were made to love their Father, respect Them, and worship Them.  
They were made to love, protect and praise the humans as Father told them to do.  
It should have been a familial, protective love, not… whatever this was.  
But falling in love with Dean Winchester was so damn easy.  
The moment Castiel laid his hand on the man, he knew.  
He knew what would happen.  
He didn’t try to stop it.

It wasn’t the looks.  
It was the way Dean Winchester loved the little things.  
It was the flaws.  
The way he looked at his brother, like he was the only constant in his life. It truly was.  
It was the determination and rage in his eyes when he protected the innocents.  
It was the silly expressions, the funny, albeit strange jokes and puns he made to cheer others up.  
It was the way he loved mundane things like movies and food.  
Castiel couldn’t understand most of these things. But Dean Winchester taught him.  
Over time, with patience, Dean Winchester taught him what love meant.  
What humanity meant.  
He taught Castiel what having a soul meant.

Humans were not perfect, not in the slightest.  
Although his Father thought so at first.  
They were extremely flawed.  
But that didn’t make them any less worth of loving.  
The could learn, and teach.  
They learned from the angels what loving the Father meant, and they taught the angels what being human meant.  
They learned what actions meant, and they taught what living meant.  
They were balanced.

Dean Winchester, though, couldn’t see that.  
He thought he wasn’t worthy. He thought he was just a broken piece of a dusty chessboard.  
He couldn’t see all the good he’d done in the world.  
He did bad too, mind you. But he did so much good too.  
He was so flawed he couldn’t see beyond his errors.  
And that was probably a twisted thing to say, but Castiel loved it.  
He loved watching Dean Winchester struggle with his emotions.  
Struggling with life. And Death.  
It just made him even more human.  
Castiel loved humanity.  
Castiel loved Dean.

He wasn’t supposed to. Not like this.  
God wouldn’t want this.  
Doesn’t want this.  
Was Castiel wrong?  
Broken?  
Flawed.  
He didn’t care.

And so Castiel watched Dean for years, learning.  
And so Cas healed Dean again and again.  
And so he fell in love the way he wasn’t supposed to.  
And so he saved Dean again and again and again.  
He didn’t regret a single moment.  
And then Cas saved Dean one last time.  
He saved his body and his soul.  
He didn’t hold back this time.  
He let it all out.  
Dean had to understand how flawed, how good, how human he was.  
How beautiful.  
He saw Dean loose hope, faith.  
And he didn’t care.  
To Cas, he was still beautiful.  
Still Dean Winchester.  
And so he finally let himself be happy.


	2. to regret

It felt like falling asleep, in a blink.  
He didn’t know if he’d ever wake up again.  
He didn’t really care.  
He was happy at least.  
He only regretted not doing this sooner.

As he talked, he drank the man’s face, every little detail.  
Most of all, he tried to remember his eyes.  
His eyes that looked like a forest in the summer, so full of life and love.  
He regrets not doing this sooner.  
Before that stupid deal.

Thinking back, he regrets many things.  
Like letting the poor Jimmy Novak die.  
He should have protected him better.  
He was an angel, dammit, it’s his job!  
He shouldn’t have left Claire alone like that.  
She found a family, sure, better than what he could be, but still.

What a poor excuse of an angel he was.  
He couldn’t even save Sam’s soul from the Devil, leaving it to rot in the pain and the flames.  
In the blind rage of his brother.  
He did a terrible job.

He couldn’t even protect Dean from Michael.  
Both of them.  
He couldn’t be there for Jack.  
The child was just three years old and they had seen more than an adult, let alone a baby, should ever see.  
He couldn’t help defeating the Father.  
He would never know the outcome.

He should have done better.  
He regrets not doing better.  
Most of all, he regrets not understanding humanity sooner.

He could have made Dean love himself more.  
He could have made Dean happier.

He should have made Dean happier.

He regrets not doing this sooner.

He regrets it so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one's a little shorter, sorry-  
> comments are welcome!


	3. to wake up

It felt like a switch had been flipped.  
It felt like waking up from a life long nightmare.  
It felt good.  
Castiel opened his eyes. Or, at least, he thought he did.  
He couldn’t see anything.  
He couldn’t feel anything.  
He couldn’t feel his own body.  
He turned around, looking at the pitch black void that surrounded him.  
He found Jack.  
He couldn’t be there, though.  
Had God succeeded?  
Had They destroyed all the universes at last?

Turns out He failed.  
Jack was smiling.  
The dark Cosmic Entity, standing beside them was not.  
It didn’t really have eyes, nor a mouth.  
Nor a face, actually. But it did feel annoyed, or bored, or angry.  
They were discussing. About him, Cas realized.  
Jack wanted to take him back to Earth, the Empty wanted everyone to shut up and let It sleep.  
Jack came out with a deal that could satisfy everyone.  
He just needed to take Cas out of this realm of void and regret, and help the Entity go back to sleep.  
They weren’t alone, after all: they still had Amara with him.  
The Entity seemed to hesitate.

In the end they agreed.  
After all, the Empty only wanted to do what it always was meant to do.  
That is, to receive demons and angels and put them to sleep.  
To balance the existence of reality itself.  
And it couldn’t do it by having other beings exist in its realm, or by being awake.  
It didn’t really have the strength to try and make all those beings fall back asleep, after the Nephilim exploded.  
Not that it really wanted to, anyway.  
The universe had lost too many angels and demons anyway, with that whiny God playing around.  
So it let the nephilim, or well, the new God, take some of the others back.  
And it laid down, melting, fusing back with the void of its realm, finally getting back to sleep.

Cas opened his eyes.  
He looked at the sky.  
He smiled lightly.  
He knew this place.  
It was time to bring it back to its original splendor.


	4. to adjust

It took some time, but in the end Heaven turned out fine.  
More than fine, actually.  
They freed Bobby from the prison; quite easy, now that it wasn’t guarded anymore.  
For some of the angels, most of them, it took some time to adjust to the new Ruler, mostly because they couldn’t and wouldn’t believe that their Father had left them, killed them.  
Some of them were so distraught that they decided to Fall, like Hannah did, and start a human life.  
For Hell it was slightly different.  
The demons were trying to rebel against Rowena McLeod, but they feared her too much to actually go through with their actions.  
So when Crowley stepped in, he was quite surprised to see her on the throne, in all her fierceness and beauty.  
It wasn’t a problem, though.  
It took a bit, a long heartfelt talk, but they made amends, and decided to rule together, mother and son.  
Belphegor decided to stick around.  
After the Horn fiasco, they understood Hell wasn’t really worth their time.  
Besides, humans were fun, and the internet had a lot of hidden gems.  
Now that was something Belphegor could work on.

Michael didn’t want to rule Heaven anymore.  
They had Adam now. And Adam had a life to live.  
Or, a life to start.  
He was, technically, still legally dead.  
That wasn’t really a problem, they just had to change his last name to Milligan-Winchester, alter some files with their angel mojo, and it was done.  
They could live in peace, now.  
Thanks to Michael being an archangel and all, Adam could also visit his mother sometimes.  
He’d been offered to have her back to life, but he had declined.  
She was happy in Heaven, and he didn’t want to live in the shadow of the past.  
They had also tried to separate, with Michael taking a new vessel to live like a couple, but it didn’t work out.  
The humans weren’t strong enough to hold his grace, and it… it didn’t feel right.  
So they decided to keep inhabiting the same body.  
They didn’t mind.  
They were happy.

Jack had let Amara free.  
She just wanted to exist on her own, after all.  
She had just started to live and appreciate the universe.  
She had just started to understand what healthy familial relationships were.  
She didn’t deserve to be absorbed in a body that was not hers because of the complaints of a selfish Entity.  
So Jack had given her her body back, letting her choose.  
She chose to go back to Reno.

In the end, Heaven found no ruler.  
It didn’t need one anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if someone is confused: I used they/them pronouns for Belphegor and he/they pronouns for Adamichael! Because well. They actually are more than one. Also, i headcanon angels sometimes using neutral pronouns since they have no gender and assume the one of their vessels.  
> In the previous chapter i used he/they for Jack too, since Alex C confirmed it!  
> I was really mad when they forgot about my babies Adam and Michael again, so I took the matter in my own hands.


	5. to hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one's probably the saddest one. sorry!

Castiel waited for a call.  
He got a few, from the man.  
He kept getting them, sometimes.  
He wished he could have answered, but Heaven still needed fixing.  
Souls needed to be put at peace.  
Until the prayers stopped coming.

He felt it.  
Cas felt Dean Winchester die.  
And he hadn’t done anything to stop it.  
He felt the fear coming from the man.  
And he hadn’t done anything to soothe it.  
Dean Winchester had died a painful death full of fear and possibly regret.  
And he hadn’t helped him.  
Why, he didn’t know.  
He was afraid.  
He didn’t want to face the same man he loved with his whole being.  
Not after he had completely laid himself open for that man, right before dying.  
He hadn’t answered his calls.  
So Dean couldn’t have had any idea of where he was going to end up.

Dean Winchester died with the fear of not existing anymore.

But now Cas held hope.  
So he waited.  
He had freed Bobby, with Jack and Michael.  
The old man would certainly let Dean know.  
He did.  
So Cas waited.  
And waited.  
And waited.

Cas was losing hope.

And then he felt Sam die too.  
The younger Winchester died with the fear of not seeing his brother, his only constant in the universe, ever again.  
Because he didn’t know either.  
Sam Winchester had lived a long, sad life.  
They had found their spouse, sure.  
They had a son, sure.  
But they never let go of that feeling of loneliness.

And they died with the hope of seeing Dean again, but the fear of never existing anymore.  
Cas felt Sam arriving in Heaven.

So Cas kept waiting.  
And he waited.  
And waited.  
And waited.

Cas was losing hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for those confused: Jared confirmed that Sam uses he/they pronouns, so I used them too!  
> I left an ope/ambiguous ending because I don't know if I'll continue this. I might add one more chapter to close it because I don't like sad endings, but I don't know when.  
> Comments are appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are very much appreciated!  
> English is not my first language, and I wrote this while sleep deprived and sad and pissedoff, so if you find any errors, please let me know!


End file.
